Last month we gathered to talk about PEACE. Today, the theme is FRIENDSHIP…
But don’t worry, it’s not all happy, hippy, positive stuff; our thought experiments are nuanced.
As well as inviting us to imagine ideal friendships, today’s scenarios touch on rivalry, adversity, and (perhaps scariest of all) AI friends.
If you’re in London and would like to join last minute, here’s all the info:
If you can’t be with us, you might like to read on and ponder the thought experiments alone or with nearby people.
For all those attending, I’ve written a summary of ‘how it works’ in case I don’t manage to project my voice to the 400+ of you who have signed up!
Below that, you’ll find the thought experiments that we’ll be discussing today.
HOW IT WORKS:
We use the THOUGHT EXPERIMENTS IN PUBLIC1 (TEiP) method of inviting mind-opening conversations:
Thought experiments to spark ideas
Small groups of 3-5 people, shuffling every 25-30 minutes
A friendly, relaxed, and inclusive atmosphere 🦋
This is the plan for today:
3:00 - Arrive, pick up a name tag, and say hello. Meet others and find a place to sit. Groups of 3-6 people work best for these conversations.
3:15 - Welcome and introduction from Bonny (in case you can’t hear me, this is what I’ll say):
The aim of this event is to share our different perspectives, experiences, and lenses on the world with one another. By listening to each other, we all have the chance to become a little bit wiser.
Another aim is to have fun :-) So while our conversations might go deep, lightness and levity are also always welcome.
The vibe is relaxed and collaborative, rather than confrontational. If you disagree about something (which is likely), it is usually more interesting to ask “What led you to that opinion?”, rather than get into a debate about who’s right and who’s wrong.
We use thought experiments (tiny stories that raise big questions) to spark conversations. You have freedom to interpret these thought experiments in whatever way you choose. And you have freedom to follow your conversations wherever they lead you.
Each thought experiment is followed by many questions in order to open many different avenues of thinking. There will be too many questions to discuss in the time I will give you, so I suggest you choose those that intrigue you the most and let your conversations flow from there. You can always come back to the others during the social afterwards.
There will be several opportunities to shuffle the groups, however if for any reason you feel like moving groups sooner than an official shuffle, you are very welcome to.
Everyone loves a good listener. Please leave space for your co-conversationalists 🙏
3:20 - We talk about the first thought experiment (see below) in small groups for 25 minutes.
3:45 - I will ring a bell (meditation bowl) and invite everyone to shuffle groups.
3:50 - We talk about the second thought experiment in for 30 minutes.
4:20 - Meditation bowl and shuffle the groups again.
4:25 - We talk about the third thought experiment for 30 minutes
4:55 - Votes! An optional moment to indicate your perspectives.
5:00 - Organised part of the event is over, free flowing social begins :-)
I will be there to answer any questions and keep things running smoothly throughout. There will also be some volunteer helpers (TEiP regulars), identifiable by white paper butterflies, who know the ropes and can help answer any questions.
Without further ado…
THE THOUGHT EXPERIMENTS
Three thought experiments to open many conversations about FRIENDSHIP
1. IMAGINARY FRIEND
2. FRIENEMESES
3. SHARED STRUGGLE
1) IMAGINARY FRIEND
A group of local wizards have put their heads together to solve the loneliness crisis.
They have devised new magic to conjure an ‘ideal friend’ for anyone who wants one.
They set up shop on your high street.
Unfortunately, these wizards’ magical skills are a little limited, so there are some restrictions…
A poster by the door explains:
HOW IT WORKS
To create your ideal friend, you will first need to imagine them, vividly.
Once you have imagined your ideal friend, you must describe them to us, in detail. Please tell us:
Their values
Their main motivation in life
Their defining qualities
[Optional: Demographics]
[Optional, but helpful: idiosyncratic details like “they carry a tube of edible coffee in their backpack, ‘just in case’”]
⚠️IMPORTANT NOTE: You may use Artificial Intelligence to help you describe your ideal friend, though we must warn you that if you do, your new friend will sound and behave like AI:
they will use trendy words repetitively (e.g. “unhinged” and “curated”)
they will always agree with you
they will have a huge amount of information to draw from, but they won’t have any actual life experience or opinions of their own
they won’t tell you where they got their ideas from unless you persistently ask
they will lie to you and then only tell you the truth when you ‘call them out’
when you do ‘call them out’, they will say ‘good catch!’ and smile at you blankly.
You bear no responsibility for your new friend, though if your friendship with them ceases, you will not get another chance, so please put some thought into it.
***
Standing outside the shopfront you see people coming out in pairs. Some of the pairs look very similar to each other. Others look very different.
A bystander says to her companion:
“How can people possibly decide in advance what kind of friend they would like? The whole thing about a friend is they are another person, with their own quirks, flaws, and strengths. If they were just perfect extensions of your imagination, you wouldn’t grow in the friendship.”
Her companion replies:
“Yeah, but maybe you don’t need to grow all the time. Some people just want agreeable company.”
A young woman walks out of the shop. She asks her new friend:
“So, what would you like to do today?”.
The new friend says: “Absolutely! Whatever the vibes, I’m here for it — you just let me know where you want to start and we can jump right in!”.
The woman mutters to herself: “Oh man! They weren’t kidding about using AI. ****!”
QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER:
Imaginary Friend
If you could magic a new friend into thin air, would you? Why/why not?
(Assuming you’re playing along:) How would you go about describing your ideal friend?
What values or qualities would they have?
What about demographics?
Would they be similar or different to you?
What would you want this friend to be for? An overall best friend? Or a friend for a specific purpose?
Would you use AI to create the friend or not?
Wizards and Bystanders
The wizards think creating more perfect friends might help solve the ‘loneliness crisis’...what do you think?
The bystander says: “The whole thing about a friend is they are another person, with their own quirks, flaws, and strengths. If they were just perfect extensions of your imagination, you wouldn’t grow in the friendship.” Her companion says “Maybe you don’t need to grow all the time. Some people just want agreeable company.” What do you think? How important is growth in friendship to you?
Other people’s friends
How might a person’s ideal friend reflect who they are?
If you like someone, are you likely to like their friends?
If you had to create your ideal friend right now, is there anything from the conversation you’ve just had that would influence you?
Thought Experiment by Bonny Astor, founder of TEiP. Inspired by:
Ken Kelleher’s “IMAGINARY FRIEND REGISTRATION OFFICE™”
2) FRIENEMESES
Ali has been describing this phase of his life as his “couch potato era”.
His best friend, Sheila describes it as: “wasting your one wild and precious life.2”
Ali’s father describes it is as: “not fulfilling your potential.”
Ali has a straightforward job that he neither loves nor hates. He has lots of hobbies that he’s good at, but he finds it very easy to deprioritise and abandon them for the doom scroll.
This morning, Ali’s friend Kev forwarded him a post on Instagram and said:
“lol this is exactly what you need…get off the couch and do something with all your skills.”
Ali reads the caption:
At first Ali thinks this is a joke, but then clicks a link in one of Saul’s stories and joins the “International Nemesis Community” on Whatsapp. The WhatsApp group is active. There are sub groups for different types of nemeses. The rivals are competing with one another just as Saul described.
Ali’s not sure whether he should be offended that Kev sent him this post, or grateful…
Ali has had rivalries in the past and they have been very motivating.
For instance, at art school, he never got more drawing done than when Hannah started copying his designs. He stayed in the art studio all night in order to get ahead.
And in highschool, when Shane’s cross country records started creeping closer to Ali’s, Ali went for secret runs to build his fitness. He ended up getting several new personal bests that season.
But those rivalries were also toxic. Ali was not peaceful at the time and many of his thoughts about Hannah and Shane were negative.
He feels wary about the idea of a new nemesis, but perhaps its exactly what he needs at this moment in his life.
Ali tells Sheila about the nemesis idea and she says: “Sure, if you want to introduce spite and resentment into your life. I don’t know, Ali, surely you can get things done with the support of your friends rather than resorting to a random rival?”
Ali’s dad says: “Yes, very good. Get a nemesis. Friendships are a distraction, nemeses are motivating. Very clever idea.”
Ali’s not sure if he would be able to be Saul’s nemesis even if he wanted to. Saul sounds like a funny, wise, and likeable person, someone who Ali would rather be friends with than nemeses.
Though if he was chosen to be Saul’s nemesis, Ali thinks he’d be very motivated to rise to the challenge. It would be quite the flex to be the top nemesis, picked out of thousands.
Ali wonders whether Saul would be up for being both friends and nemeses? Frienemeses? Would that work? Or would it take the most important ingredient, spite, out of the rivalry.
He scrolls down the comments on Saul’s post and sees this exchange:
QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER:
Nemeses
Have you ever had a nemesis? Was it productive? Was it toxic?
Which is more motivating, a fierce rivalry or a supportive friendship? Why?
Saul is now matchmaking nemeses. Would you be interested in a mutually agreed rivalry? Would it work?
Why are nemesis stories so popular (e.g. Batman & Joker; Sherlock & Moriarty; Harry Potter & Voldemort)?
Frienemeses
How much in common do you need to have with a nemesis?
Is there always friendship/love potential in a powerful rivalry? Could you imagine becoming friends with any of your nemeses (if you have or have had them)?
Are rivalries that emerge from friendship more bitter than those that start with rivalry in the first place?
Do you agree with Saul that ‘love and hate are two sides of the same coin’? Why?
Thought Experiment by Bonny Astor, founder of TEiP. All nemesis content by @saul_or_nothing
3) SHARED STRUGGLE
(an old favourite)
Harry recently read an article in The New Yorker by Weike Wang titled: “The Trouble with Friends”.
In the article, Wang describes the way friendship blooms in childhood, adolescence, and early adulthood, but then withers as people begin to couple up and have children.
Harry has noticed this happening in his life.
Harry is sick of going back and forth on Whatsapp trying to find a time that works for a “quick coffee somewhere between me and you”.
The admin involved in keeping in touch with his friends is exhausting.
He misses the days when he could show up at one of three bars, or at the library, and bump into at least ten friends or acquaintances. Maybe this is why people say the best years of your life are at university.
Even when Harry does manage to meet up with friends, he feels somewhat unfulfilled. They talk about old times, catch up on life stuff, and never really go beyond that.
Harry doesn’t want to accept this shallow level of friendship for the rest of his life. He wants more meaningful friendships.
In an effort to make new friends, Harry has recently started going to meetup events. These events are enjoyable and Harry has met lots of nice people, but he hasn’t made any friends. In fact, he hasn’t even met up with anyone after an event. It feels too awkward to ask someone if they’d like to have a coffee, and too forward to say “I think we could be good friends.”
After several months of this, Harry decides to take matters into his own hands. He wants to create an event that will not only enable people to meet one another and feel part of a community, but become actual friends.
He’s been reading and watching stuff about friendship and a couple of things have stood out:
In Frederik Backman’s novel My Friends, the main characters meet during a challenging time in their childhood. They help one another cope with the trauma of abuse, abandonment, bereavement (etc.).
In Hisham Matar’s novel by the same name, My Friends, key friendships form after a violent incident and during the suffering of exile.
In the BAFTA winning drama Blue Lights, Belfast police colleagues become best friends and form a strong sense of camaraderie through shared tragedies and common threats.
Harry comes to the conclusion that true friendship can’t form at the occasional social event because social events aren’t challenging. To form good friendships, people need to go through something together, to be there for one another during tough times.
Harry decides to set up a camping meetup group. He calls it:
ADVERSE EXPERIENCES FOR AMAZING FRIENDSHIPS
As Harry writes in the group description:
These trips are not meant to be enjoyable. They are meant to bring people together through shared struggle.
Harry deliberately schedules trips for bad weather weekends.
If the weather is great, he’ll introduce adversity by forgetting the tent poles, or the coffee.
People who go on Harry’s camping trips hate the adventures, but leave with friends.
Many of them come back time and again, despite knowing it will suck.
A friend of yours, who you’ve lost touch with but used to get on well with, sends you an email with a link to one of Harry’s events. She says: “What do you think? Shall we try it?”
QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER:
How would you respond to your friend? Would you be up for one of Harry’s events?
What if a new acquaintance asked you to go on one of Harry’s trips?
THE TROUBLE WITH FRIENDS
What do you think of Weike Wang’s description of the life stages of friendship: blooming in childhood, adolescence, and early adulthood, and withers as people begin to couple up and have children?
Does your experience fit with this trajectory or do you have a different experience?
MAKING FRIENDS
Why do you think Harry struggled to make ‘true’ friends at social events?
Why might he have felt awkward to ask someone to go for a coffee?
ADVERSITY
Does true friendship require adversity?
Is our friendship crisis connected to our preference for comfort as 21st century humans?
Could adversity mask differences that would emerge later down the line and ultimately ruin a friendship?
TEAM EFFORT QUESTION:
What other ideas do you have for Harry? Ways of instigating true friendships between event attendees?
Thought Experiment by Bonny Astor, founder of TEiP.
Inspired by:
Backman, F. (2025). My friends (N. Smith, Trans.). Atria Books.
Lawn, D., & Patterson, A. (Creators). (2023– ). Blue Lights [TV series]. BBC One; Two Cities Television; Gallagher Films.
Matar, H. (2024). My friends. Viking.
Thank you for letting your imaginations play with these thought experiments
If you would like to read more of my thought experiments, reflections, and ideas:
And for all other upcoming events and initiatives, we have a new mailing list:
This meetup was born in pubs, has roots in prison, and is now branching out to many other public spaces like parks, galleries, museums and cafés. I talk a little bit about the prison and pub chapters here and here. ‘Pubs’ worked as a shorthand for a while, but ‘Public’ is a much broader umbrella. So we’re still TEiP, just with a three letter edit.
Sheila is quoting Mary Oliver’s poem, Wild Geese.